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Posts Tagged ‘eiderdowns’

I had heard about Claude from a friend of mine in the UK.  He told me that Claude has been going around telling everyone he has a bit part in the next James Bond movie, a really far thinking guy.  When I asked if this was true his Lordship (my friend and Claude’s agent) said not exactly. Claude wanted a bit part in the film, well Claude being a nice guy I decided to interview him and find out what makes him cauk….

This is Claude

I must explain a few points first. As you can see Claude is neither slim or fast, but he is exceedingly agile, either that or Farmer John is a really bad shot, Claude says he could not hit a barn door at 50 paces.  Having seen Farmer John and Claude in action I am not so sure.  Claude also has a female friend who is ‘in the business’ and a couple of ‘ard nut’ relatives, and this has given him a hankering for adventure.  Any way I flew over for a day with Claude to get his story and see him in training with Farmer John.
MDB:  Well Claude I hear you would like a bit part in the next James Bond movie.
CP:
Yes Michael. I am very good at ducking and weaving Farmer John trains me at least twice a week, but I really think my forte is as an undercover pheasant.   You know, I could fly in and perch near windows and things listen to conversations, get the info. I am very photogenic you know.
MDB:  But wouldn’t you be scared of being shot at  Claude? I know Farmer John is tutoring you how does he do it Claude?

Claude being embarrassed

CP:
Well I sit here on the fence he stands back there with his gun and aims for that outline on the barn door.  You can see the holes in the door where he has missed,  well out of my way.  Now and again a bit of shot will whistle past me but he’s such a rotten shot sometimes I don’t even have to move, it can be embarrassing.
On the barn door is an outline of a big fat pheasant…
MDB:   Why is that outline on the door Claude?

Claude in training

CP:
Well I sit on the fence here and he fires at the shape on the door then I move a long a bit and he fires again but sometimes he can’t even hit the barn door and nearly gets me.  But it is kind of him to help me so I mustn’t complain.
MDB:  I understand you have a friend who is an undercover agent Claude.
CP: Yes she’s called Dawn Eider, she’s one of the Sussex Eider-Downs.
MDB: Does she give you any tips or advice about how to be an agent?
CP:
Yes she does but it’s not really helpful to me. Shes a female and I’m a male and I only like females, which makes some of her advice unhelpful. She seems to do a lot of her work in bed, and she can make me a bit hot, but that’s her undercover work.
MDB:  So have you done any acting before?

Claude showing his feet off

CP:
Oh yes. I was the original model for the whisky advert, you know the one that uses a grouse.  Well before they found Gregory McPeck they needed a prototype to see if the strutting and everything worked.  So my agent (his Lordship) suggested me, I was the one who came up with the footwork.  Doing quite well untill some idiot decided that ‘Famous Pheasant’ didn’t sound quite right and any way being a Scottish whisky they should have a Scottish bird and brand name.  So  his Lordship suggested McPeck (he was his agent as well) and that was that.  Mind you I have noticed that there is a new guy on there now,  Duke McEllington they call him, plays the piano he’s a jazz pianist from the USA, I really like his music.
MDB:
Do you have any other friends or relatives who are, shall we say, in that line of work?
CP:
Well there’s my Uncle  Emery Board,  he’s a really rough character.  Won’t stand any messing from anyone or thing. He even shortened my Aunts nails one day because she kept him awake scratching.   He’s taught me how to look mean.
Then there’s my cousin  Buster Crab. He sounds tough, but the other week he had a break in and Uncle Emery says he’s got shell-shock.
MDB:    What about your agent my friend his Lordship, has he been able to find you any work this year?

Claude being a Gossip

CP:
Well, he did have this offer from someone called Cordon Ramsey. He wanted a pheasant for one of his cooking programmes, but I had heard about how he shouts and said no way, he can go shout at another peasant.  But there is a chance I may be in a tv serial.  Perhaps I shouldn’t say anything, but his Lordship has been approached by this director who is looking for a kungphoo pheasant to appear in a series with a werewolf, vampire and a ghost.  Don’t mind the first two but not so sure about the ghost, they’re spooky.
MDB: Well thank you for your time Claude and allowing me to interview you.  I have enjoyed meeting you and hope you get your bit part.  I think Farmer John is ready for some more target practice take care Claude.
I would like to thank my friend his Lordship for allowing me to interview Claude.  Also Farmer John who let me watch a practice session.
However, I did notice the outline on the barn door and the position Claude sits in when ‘practice’ is going on are getting closer together.   Keep swerving Claude.

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