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Posts Tagged ‘fox’

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 It is strange how things change in life. One minuet I am being eyed up by Farmer John for the cooking pot the next I have an agent and a life in films seems on the cards. Then I get a publicist and coach then BANG! I find Farmer John has been nattering to his pals about me wanting to be in a Bond film only to find out that one of them is a ‘Government Man’. Next thing I know I am taken to a ‘Special Unit’ place where I have been training and working ever since, boy am I pooped.

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Mind you I life is not too bad. I mean every secret agent has girls, and as you can see I have two. The next thing I know Farmer John is my ‘contact’ and passes messages between Duck E (the boss of the agency) and myself.  However, there was one condition I had to marry the girls. MARRY THE GIRLS!!!!! why? James Bond didn’t marry… oops yes he did. So I got married and it was after that I actually met  Duck E. nice bloke really, bit quackers but nice. Mind you I am not sure things are strictly above board, one of my girls called Duck E daddy, well I think she did, she said no, but I could have sworn…..

There are some very strange goings on out there in the spy world. Last week I was hooked up with this flighty piece, couldn’t speak a word of Peasant, but she was plump in all the right places, really tasty if you know what I mean. Now it seems some Frenchies were smuggling pheasants across the channel and she was the inside bird.

These illegals were causing havoc with the shooting set, they were teaching the other pheasants to duck and dive when they flew, not supposed to do that. So off we went on a train thingy under the water to France where we were turned loose and told to ‘sort ‘em out’. We spent a few days posing as illegal pheasants trying to get into Britain saying we had plenty of corn and were finally contacted by a greasy looking turkey called Mon sure Gobbledygook. He said that to get us into Britain it would cost us a sack of corn, we tried to haggle but it was either a sack or no trip. So we paid the sack of corn and the next we knew we were inside a big lorry which was then packed off to a place called Dover. When we arrived and were far enough from the port not to be seen by the police, the lorry stopped and the back was opened so we were able to get out. As soon as I could I called Duck E, said we had the case cracked. When the assignment was over I took my partner to meet Farmer John he did not like her, said all she was fit for was the cooking pot, never saw her after that.

oo-0-oo

Anyway, I had plenty of things to keep me busy for a while. Then one morning I was having breakfast when my old friend Bruce Gull of the flying services came to see me. It seems someone was trying to put the R.S.F.S. out of service.  He was not sure if it was Puffin Billy or Petrel Head but someone had infiltrated the base and tried to steal some equipment. It had him really worried if either of those two got their hands on the spares they could be dive bombing people all round the coast, and he already had enough trouble with Chip Butty and the Gull Gang.  Well what could I do? Bruce had been helpful to me before so I went to see Farmer John – he knows about these things – and asked his advice. But he just wanted to shoot them but I did not want any bodies around, to messy.

I kept on at him after all his wages – 1 bottle of Famous Grouse and some fish eggs a week – very strange wages I thought, he would have been better off with corn like me. Anyway, we hatched a plot. The H.Q. of the R.S.F.S. is at Tangmere so Farmer John and I decided to keep watch and when the robbers turned up we would nab them. Not wanting to give the game away, he would be on his tractor and plough the field in the middle of the old runways whilst I went to the hanger where the stores were, find a large box and hide myself behind it.

So one afternoon after we had a tip from Bob Ferret, we put the plan into action. Farmer John got his tractor going and I slipped into the hanger and hid. I had not been in there long before I heard a noise and peeking round the corner of the box, I saw the hangar door open and a puffin waddle in followed by two hard looking rats riding in a small cart pulled by a scrawny looking fox. They headed towards the far side of the hanger where the kestrel bombs were stored and started to load their cart.

Now we had agreed that Farmer John would wait for my signal then drive his tractor up and catch the baddies in the act. I had to sound a horn by jumping on it. I had managed to sneak past the baddies and get outside then I jumped up and down on the horn. I forgot the first rule of 001’ship ‘keep your eye on the enemy’. I was so busy watching Farmer John heading my way with his tractor that I was taken by surprise when the hanger door opened and out dashed the fox cart with the puffin and rats onboard I had to jump out of the way, a near miss and no mistake.

Well, I have never seen Farmer John drive so fast, with a great shout of ‘Tally Ho’ he was off after those rouges and the last I saw of him was a cloud of dust as he disappeared out of the airfield in full pursuit of the villains. When he returned a little later with the bombs and the cart – he’s given that to me for my personal transport – he looked flushed and happy. He took the bombs back into the hanger and I stayed on guard until Bruce Gull came back.

Later that afternoon Farmer John returned to collect me, he had to lift me on to the tractor as Bruce and I had been celebrating our successful foiling of Puffin Billy’s raid. So it was late on that summers evening when we headed home, me dreaming of the events and Farmer John softly singing to himself. But I am not sure his helping me was a good thing, you see he went off one morning and we have not seen him since. I think he has got a little taste for my line of work and Mrs Farmer John is very worried, but I will look after her, well as long as she feeds me……

(c) Michael Douglas Bosc

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‘Remember, remember the 5th of November gunpowder treason and plot’….. 

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We are in London visiting my sister as normal for this time of year, and Guy Fawkes night (the plot to blow up Parliament) was last night. So she and her husband built a small bonfire as you do at the end of their garden which I will add is on the end of the allotments.  So comes the dark and we (my brother-in-law, nephew and I) troop out and light the fire leaving the girls inside getting dinner.

We were enjoying ourselves as men do chatting and watching the displays lighting up the night sky, lots of bangs woooshes with the reds, greens, and other colours of the fireworks, when dinner was called so making sure the fire was safe we duly trooped in to eat. The meal was a leisurely affair good food, wine (from Spain) and company, which saw us men head for the tv and football, whilst the women did the washing up and then went out to tend the remains of the bonfire. When they arrived there watching them was a fox, not in the least shy but as there was a fire it did not go closer. Times are definately changing wild foxes in the heart of a big city what next I wonder  – a hunt going down Chiswick High road??? (thanks for the comment Clive).

Now what we did not know was that the police had spies in the sky and had spotted, as they do, an unattended fire (in other words one heat source on the heat sensor) so whilst the girls were watching the remains of the fire three bobbies turned up and asked why the fire was not attended? eh!! My wife being my wife then asked if they had any potatoes suggesting if they had they came and put them in the fire, needless to say three bemused bobbies left grinning, and us? well guess who had to make the coffee???  lol  I hope your bonfire night went well and all enjoyed a fun evening.

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